A couple of years ago, I started this blog. I stated in my first post that I wasn’t unhappy, but wanted to figure out what made me happy. I think I was in denial.
I may not have been acknowledging it on the outside, but somewhere inside me I knew I wasn’t happy. With what, I didn’t know. Because I am lucky. I have a strong, loving family. I have a loyal and caring husband. I have some very good friends. I have a beautiful home and my cats, my car and am fortunate to not be struggling financially.
All these wonderful things make me feel like I should be happy, so for years I have convinced myself that I am. I have achieved some great things considering I’m not yet 30 and should be proud of them. Yet behind it all is a sadness that I know something underlying is wrong.
Looking back over the posts I have published, I realise I was often trying to convince myself of things. Perhaps this helped; perhaps it only delayed the inevitable. Since childhood, when a difficult subject has arisen, I have found it easier to put my words into writing than utter them aloud. So I’m hoping that re-purposing my blog into a diary will enable me to search for the truth about where my Happy has been hiding all these years.
I don’t believe I have depression. But I do believe I have Anxiety. And that anxiety can cause me to experience short periods of depression. At the time of writing this, I am still struggling to accept this.
I am not in denial; I know I have a problem as the thoughts and feelings I experience are not normal, however I am resisting acceptance of my problem. I am however, taking steps to address the underlying issues that are affecting my life and the re-purposing of my blog is the first big step I’m taking to do so.
I also hope to use it to monitor my progress and inspire other people who’re struggling to take the first steps on the road to recovery to see that although there may be set backs and the journey may be tough, it can be done.